A few years ago, my husband and I decided to make another change to our lives and get pregnant again. We were excited and ready for this change.
But my body was not cooperating with us. At least that’s how I felt.
The first miscarriage made me sad, but I recovered quickly and was hopeful for the next one. I was bothered, though, by a couple of comments I received.
“At least you already have 2 kids.” Or “It happened early in the pregnancy so it should be no big deal.”
Both those statements are true, but the miscarriage did not make me any less sad.
And then the second one occurred. I had been afraid to take a pregnancy test with the second one, so it did not count for my doctor. But my body felt the change. My hormones felt the shift. I was afraid to confirm it too early until I was 2 months. I was close to that when I got hurt, and the miscarriage occurred.
The third one was PAINFUL. This time I took the pregnancy test within a few weeks of missing my period because I did not want for it “not to count.”
I was 10 weeks pregnant when I miscarried.
We all felt that one. But I felt I would not get to keep this baby. I kept bleeding on and off. Having contractions. And just feeling REALLY sick.
But the longer it took for my body to reject the baby, the more hopeful I felt even when I had a test done, that confirmed the baby had stopped growing and that there was no heartbeat.
It stopped growing at 5 weeks. And yet it took 5 more weeks before the hormones went down, and my body finally understood it was not going to work.
I DISLIKE that it took that long. Once it was confirmed, I just wanted it to end. I didn’t want to continue to see my breast grow more prominent, my morning sickness lingering, or any of the other signs that I would be having a baby.
For me, it felt like my body was lying to me.
I mourned that child. My family mourned that child.
I debated whether to stop trying.
Could I handle the emotional, mental, and physical trauma of getting pregnant again only to lose my child?
I debated this when I got pregnant again (it was only one time of unprotected sex).
With this pregnancy came all the fears of what happened with the previous ones.
Should I be hopeful? Should I prepare? What should I do? What should I feel?
And even though everything was going great, every time I went to my prenatal appointments and had my ultrasound, I was afraid that this was when they would say my baby’s heart stopped beating. That the baby stopped growing and that my body would abort the baby when my body got the message.
I felt like this every. Single. Time.
But the baby continued to grow. And with each time, I felt my hope increase. Tentatively.
And then, one day, I concluded that I did not want to spend my whole pregnancy expecting it to be over at any moment.
I wanted this baby to feel loved, wanted, and expected to be alive and well at the end of 40 weeks.
I decided to sacrifice my heart one more time. To surrender my fears and let go.
Let go of the negativity and live with excitement that I was carrying a baby and would have a new member of our family to love and take care of at the end of my pregnancy.
That was a HARD decision. And it took time to fully embrace.
But it has led, so far, to a positive and joyful pregnancy.
I’m currently 33 weeks pregnant, and my child is growing beautifully.
This shift in mindset was one that I NEEDED. That was necessary for me.
What mindset shift do you need to navigate a change that you are experiencing or want to make?